Pondering at night

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I always seem to ponder or become philosophical about things in life, as I lie awake at night listening to my husband sleep.  Insomnia is a big issue for me, or perhaps this is my only quiet thinking time.

You would never believe the things that go through my head, usually stemming from some recent news or event, gathering momentum to reach out from there to other people and things like the tentacles of an octopus unfurling and stretching.

I should really get up and write some of this stuff down but I’m trying to sleep.

Sometimes I wonder how my family can be so different from each other in their thoughts, beliefs and expectations in life when we all grew up in the same house under the same conditions.  I won’t go into any particular situation regarding this, but it really makes me think and wonder where attitudes come from.

I always thought the adult that you become forms in the early years of your life, but now, I’m not so sure about that.  I think everyone’s life experiences also play a big role.  We have to face the fact that certain people have an influence on us in a big way.  It’s not only people we meet in the course of our lives, but also places we’ve visited or lived, adventures we were daring enough to try or not, different philosophies and outlooks presented to us by people or books we’ve read.  Even certain movies can have an impact.

We all have choices as well and the choices put us into situations that may change the outcome of our lives later down the road, whether this happens literally, or in the way that we think and view things yet to come.

As I said, once we reach adulthood we all make life choices. Every choice affects the outcome of our lives as human beings.  I’m not just pondering spiritual choices or lack there of, but other things as well, such as diet, exercise, associations with people we view as friends or foes, and family.  Even books we read have an influence.  If only on a subconscious level, they plant seeds in our brains to make us think and learn.  All of these things, plus many more, has an effect on us in either a positive or a negative way.  Sometimes these choices can cause lifelong affects, such as illness or lives of crime if we associate with the wrong people.  It’s important to be wise before we leap.

We all have the ability to be independent or dependent, positive or negative, gung-ho or passive about things facing us.  I’m sure we all wish we had a crystal ball too, so that we could view the future.  That would certainly help us make the right decisions today.

But as humans, we all have to do the best we can with the info we have at the time.  Every experience is a learning one, if we only pay attention to the lesson there for us to see.

Being the writer I am, sometimes I try to work out issues between my characters instead of sleeping, but usually my mind delves into life’s bigger matters as the hours tick by on the clock.  I don’t know why.  Do any of you ever do this?

Are You a Victim of Your Own Making?

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This is what the dictionary says:


Vic-tim

Noun

1.  A person who suffers from a destructive or injurious action or agency: a victim of an automobile accident

2.  A person who is deceived or cheated, as by his or her own emotions or ignorance, by the dishonesty of others, or by some impersonal agency: a victim of misplaced confidence, the victim of a swindler, a victim of an optical illusion.

3.  A person or animal sacrificed or regarded as sacrificed: war victims

4.  A living creature sacrificed in religious rites.

Naturally, as writers, the first thing we think about is the victim in our books or stories. However, I think we can be the victim of our own circumstances as well. Sometimes taking control of our lives can be a hard thing to do.

I got to thinking about this as I was lying in bed trying to sleep. I think I got about two hours between 1:30 and 3:30 and then I was wide-awake, tossing, and turning, finally getting up at 6:15 when I felt myself getting drowsy. Sometimes on days like this, I go ahead, fall to sleep, and then am shaken awake by 9 AM and accused of “sleeping in.” This is a cardinal sin at our house. Other times, I just get up because it’s easier, instead of getting the extra rest I need, even if it is a long day.

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My husband has a thing about keeping schedules and that hasn’t changed, even if he is retired. He grew up like that with strict rules, whereas I grew up the opposite. Sometimes that can be a problem.

I listened to my husband snoring all night, which is a good thing because he is cranky if he doesn’t get his eight hours. At least somebody was sleeping. I tried to put all thoughts out of my mind, but before long, I was thinking about working on my book in the peace and quiet of the day, and the grueling day of exhausting yard work that lay ahead later. I was thankful we took yesterday off. My body certainly needed that rest.

Then my thoughts started to wonder around as they usually do. I remembered I forgot to set up the coffee pot, as I do every night before bed, so I got up in the dark and took care of that. Back in bed, I started wondering if I can go on another 25 or 30 years on two hours of sleep a night. This led me to ponder the idea of buying an over-the-counter sleeping aide. Hmmm...

Anyway, I had the last letter to write up for the challenge and then it came to me – the V word – because I am a victim of insomnia. I have been this way all of my life, and can’t remember a time when it wasn’t hard to fall to sleep, unless I am simply exhausted from working hard and staying up for hours. However, that being said, I have a lot on my mind lately with this pending move and all that entails, as well as working on my book, and keeping up with all the other stuff around the house. Things feel almost tumultuous to me. I like it when it’s just the opposite – peaceful and quiet. Sometimes I wonder if it will ever be that way again.

I think I'm a hopeless insomniac

As usual I was awake most of the night and this had nothing to do with the missing piece of crumpled paper from last night.  Once in awhile I can actually sleep all night and last night was one of those occasions.  The normal state of affairs is for me to wonder the house in the dead of night and go through a pitcher of water in the process.

Unfortunately I never sleep well or much, especially when I’m into a project and that is most of the time.  Today I’m trying to work on a book I’m ghost-writing and the challenge is to see how much I can get done while the cats are napping and before its time for dinner.